2009 Reflections

Wow oh Wow.........where has this year wandered off to??? I am sitting here trying to remember the good things that happened in 2009.......but for me personally.........there has been so much stuff that has gone horribly wrong.....for now, those things seem to overshadow the good......

Since September, I have lost 3 members of either my family or my extended family. My father was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer in August and had to have the affected kidney removed. Because he is a Type 2 diabetic......the remaining kidney has been damaged and is just limping along......causing him to have to start dialysis....while he is now cancer free! He unfortunately at age 69, must remain cancer free for a minimum of 2 years to be put on a transplant list.........he's very upbeat about the situation and seems to be accepting what he's been dealt.

One of my closest friends lost her grandson to the hand of the babysitter in September.....seems charges will be filed shortly.......the situation just drags on and on never giving the family any closure or time to finish grieving..........they still have a long and horrible road ahead of them with the criminal aspect of the situation..........to think that an 18 month old baby lost his life at the hands of a lunatic is just inconceivable.........

I've already blogged about losing Kaci...........another stab to the heart............

In October, Duane lost his father to a sudden heart attack.

It is true that you never know what life has in store for you.

I apologize for the depressed attitude today.......these things are just overpowering my soul and I find them to be a bit overwhelming today.

I am trying to put myself in a better frame of mind while Duane is at the gym......Blogging helps and maybe a few cocktails will soften the blows for the evening.

I know in my heart that I have so much to be grateful for......and I am.........those things will again rise to the surface......but for today, at least for a little while........I am having myself a pity party.

So here's to you my friends! I hope time spent with your families over the Christmas holidays was everything you hoped for.

May you remain Healthy and Prosper in the New Year!!
xxoo

Rest In Peace My Friend

This was done by her oldest son Tyler Kobel in his mom's remembrance

Why?

This morning I received a call from Kansas City from one of my oldest, closet friends. She lost her sister last night to cancer.......this is the second sister she has lost to cancer......the first from breast cancer at age 28 and now her second sister at 36. This sister beat breast cancer......inflammatory breast cancer.....the most aggressive kind only to have cancer return as brain cancer.......when I see the toll this took on such a beautiful person in only a year......I have to ask WHY???

This is a family I became very close with over 25 years ago.......though geographical distance has separated us...we always managed to stay in one another's "business". I will miss Kaci sooooooo much. She truly was a beautiful person with an infectious laugh no one will ever forget. Another hole is left in their family. Please pray for her remaining sisters, Krysti, Klover and Kim. As well as her husband Darren and her two young sons...You can only imagine the devastation her parents are feeling after losing yet another child. My only solace is knowing that she and Kricket are together and will forever watch over their family until they can all be together again.

When they say life is not fair......this is a perfect example of why.

I am posting one of my favorite pictures of Kaci (she's in the middle) so you can see her beautiful smile. Rest in peace Kaci - You are loved and will be missed by many.

Seems appropriate

A picture of the sunset on Cozumel taken 12/11/2009 for your enjoyment. Wish you could have been there with me!

Not my words.........though I wish they were........food for thought, enjoy!

Takes 2 min to read this. This is something we should all read at least once a week. It was written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio . To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words. 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a "gift."

Where does the time go?

Well I am back from vacation now and what a wonderful trip it was. The first time hubby and I have traveled together out of the country alone........just the two of us! Which turned out to be great........we had a wonderful time, met some new friends and experienced some new adventures........Thank you hubby!!

Now I am here looking at what appears to be the bottom of a wagon........since I seem to have fallen off of mine..........but hey, I could make excuses all day long and well into tomorrow........but I'm not going to beat myself up too much........lots of stress this time of the year and stress seems to be my main trigger to unhealthy behavior.........so it seems I will have some good days and some bad days through the season........but emotionally, I will give it my all to remain healthy in my mind.

This last bout with the cycle was a rough one and I am looking forward to the new gyno doctor visit in January.......hoping she has a fresh outlook on my situation and can offer some relief without my having to undergo surgery............though I am thinking THAT might be in my near future.........we shall see.

In the meantime, I will continue to be thankful for the health I do have, good or bad and ask for the continued improving health for my family and friends. It has not been such a good year for many that I know health wise, but some of it has to do with the inevitable aging cycle.......seems only Hollywood actresses have the market cornered on perpetual youth.

There are some changes going on in my office, specifically in my department. Though part of the change makes me sad......I will be losing my daily contact with someone I have worked with for 10 years.......I think we have enough history together that we will continue to peek in on one anothers lives, at least I hope so. I am uncertain how I feel about the change/changes but will push to remain optimistic. So mysterious, aren't I?

Lots going on right now........as I am sure you can all relate to.

It's late and I have just finished wrapping presents for an adopted family. Still have to walk dogs and get ready for what I hope is some serious slumber time.

Have a good Friday and weekend.

XXOO

Thankful Thoughts

Tis the season.....so here goes it ~ I am thankful for

• Being married and in love with someone who totally "gets me" - unconditionally
• Having a lovely daughter who is just coming into herself.....a constant work in progress.....like her mother
• A job.....in these times of recession
• Paying Bills......only thankful that I can pay the ones I make.....not happy about it......but thankful that I have the means to do so
• The Guardian Angel that has looked over my friends and family through times of bad health, sadness and grief and continues to help them along the road to recovery
• Old friends that have continued to stand by me and support me
• My own health......yes, I whine a lot, but for the most part.....God has been good to me in this and many more departments

Honestly I have more things to be thankful than I could possibly ever list in a blog and for that, I am truly grateful

Have an awesome holiday with family, friends and loved ones and be safe! xxoo

Manic Monday

Ok, not really...........but aren't all Mondays just a bit more manic than the last? I haven't discussed this as of yet......but feel I must include you in the grand farewell........tomorrow I am going to have a mole removed from my back.........not just any mole mind you..........but one I have taken to calling Bertha as of late.........she is a woolly looking thing.......somewhere between mole and wart.........both of which I am not prone to getting......so imagine my shock when she appeared about 8 months ago........So I have to say......Good Riddance Bertha.......have a nice life in the petri dish! wish I could say that I will be missing her..........but.........errrrrrr......not so much! She is soooooooooooooo not going on this vacation like she did the last one!

So that will begin my Tuesday......which this week can also be considered Thursday thankfully because of the big holiday quickly approaching. Duane and I decided to do the traditional dinner this year, so it will be a day of feasting....and I plan to partake, on a smaller scale than last year......but I plan to have a bit of everything..........YUMMMMM

The transition is going well, I think........some clothing is loosening up and some has become just more comfortable.....it's a slow process, but so far it has been fairly painless.......again, I think this has to do with eating what I want to when I eat and not depriving myself........I have had a few moments of panic where hunger has tried to invade my sane state........but I just try to busy myself with something else until it passes. I have decided to not stress myself with the eating and the holidays...........I am just going to partake in things but at a reasonable level. A little of everything seems to be working for me mentally.........more than the food of the holidays......I should be more concerned with the alcohol.....seems I have more opportunity to partake during the holidays than most any other time.............I am told it is the secret death to a sensible eating plan....but I think if you drink enough.........you just won't care........LOL ~

I have managed to get one closet out of three under control........hopefully I can be finished with this project before we go on vacation as it is long overdue........Thank you Duane for putting up what with can only be described as a complete disaster in our bedroom for a few days last week. Someone set off the clothing bomb..........but Goodwill and hopefully someone deserving will be benefiting from this reorganization of the closets.

There is this GIANT fly trapped in the house and it is driving me crazy.........can you tell?

I guess I better get used to insects and flies again since I will be squarely in the midst of the jungle less than 2 weeks from today...........YAYYYYY

Well if I do not update you soon enough........have a happy Holiday with family and friends.....and be safe out there.........lots of nuts on the road!!

Chug Chug Chugging along!

It seems as though God is making me earn my vacation this week. Last night on the way home I got a speeding ticket on the highway.......from State Highway Patrol, so not sure I will be able to do anything about it.........the calls are being made and I am hoping that somehow it gets taken care of without my having to pay $168.00......ugh..........I drove speed limit.....or much closer to it into the office today..........

So this morning I put on jeans I have not been able to zip as of late.........THEY ZIPPED!! yeah, all the way up!! Now mind you..........the fabric has some stretch in it........but I am pretty happy with any progress no matter how small.......YAY ME!

The eating thing is going well so far. I found for me....all the traditional diets do not work.....well I suppose they would if I could stick to them......but obviously I cannot.......so what IS working for me is skipping breakfast and having coffee all morning.........Honestly, I need the caffiene since I am not a good morning person and the warmness of the coffee seems to ward off hunger.......after a few days of doing this.........I am not really even feeling hungry until lunch time. A small lunch and average dinner and cutting out ALL eating between meals seems to be the only way for me. I know it goes against all thoughts of eating healthy......but you have to do what works for you. Counting calories and points only bogs me down and makes me feel like I have yet another chore or task......so I am not so much avoiding any food........just trying to make a little better choices and watch my portion size. Diets make me feel deprived and for those of you who know me well.........Margie does not do well with being made to feel deprived.........it causes a whole realm of emotions and attitude, none of which are good for me or for those around me.....lol

I wish I could have my husbands attitude about working out.......something he does religously because it allows him to eat whatever he wants......but he also has this thing about forgetting to eat.......if he eats a decent breakfast, it will be 12 HOURS before he even thinks about food again......WTF??? I am trying to break the I must have food in my mouth at all times or at least every 2 hours cycle.......I cannot even imagine that I would EVER be at a place where I forget to eat.........AS IF!!

That old adage, I eat to survive, I do not survive to eat - pffffffttttttttt, that had to have been written by a vegan person or at least co-authored by an Olsen twin along with Nicole Ritchie

My goal is to be healthy with the added bonus of fitting into my clothes again......and so I march on.......

Have a good day everybody!!

Another Weekend POOF!

So, I have to say I did really well this week. Pulled some things out of the closet and actually found some items that zipped that didn't a month ago...........Not ready to parade around in crop tops.........bawahahaha..........but some progress nonetheless and this is what we are aiming for!

I have mentioned her before, but she is really really inspirational, Valerie Bertinelli. Apparently she has written 2 books now..........Losing It and Finding It...........I need to check them out. She is on the cover of the November Ladies Home Journal looking all adorable! Some snippets from her article are:

"I'll eat foods that in the past I labeled "bad". But there are no bad foods. There's just bad food behavior. The hardest thing to learn is to stop eating once you're full."

"When I wake up the first thing I do is choose to be happy. Food is no longer my emotional comfort."

"Put a sign on your refrigeration that says, 'Are you really that hungry?' Do what you need to do to help yourself live in the moment"

It appears that Jenny Craig has taught her well and she seems like she is really living her new life well. It certainly looks good on her anyway and the thing I really like about her is that she looks so "real" not like a plastic surgeon's vision of what she should look like.

OK, before I get myself the stalker label, I need to stop talking about Valerie, just let it be known, I am a fan.........and she is one of the many factors helping me down this path.

So now that I seem to have made some progress and am feeling confident about my path.......I am starting to get a bit excited about attending my daughter's grad school graduation next May in NYC at Radio City Music Hall!! That along with next year's vacation and a couple of nice weddings to attend! Hopefully I will be doing all that in a better place, mentally and physically.

I remember when I quit smoking how I put myself in situations where I could easily avoid smoking.......I intentionally did that and it really helped. However, I understand we have to eat at some point.......so it is a bit more difficult to avoid certain situations. But I am really trying to think about my options more and that my friends is the beginning of a major change for ME.......

Thankfully, Thanksgiving is not one of my favorite eating holidays........but Christmas will be a true test.............there will be eating opportunities EVERYWHERE..........perhaps this is when I will need to test drive a straight jacket and look into a pink muzzle...........Hopefully in a couple of more weeks, I will have an even stronger determination about myself.

More closet work to do today..........Tomorrow is Monday. Hope everyone has a good one!

Another Day Down

Thursday........the longest day of the week..........for me, since I sooooooooooooo look forward to Fridays. The mood is just lighter in the office and the time seems to fly by. So I'm glad that today is almost finished up...........and HAPPY that I can count this one as another successful day in the life of transition.

I've been thinking most of the day about one of my best friends, whose sister is battling cancer.....a sister I care a great deal for as well............I have known these girls for a long time.........in dog years..........forever.......and I have always thought of them as extended family. A benefit is being held this weekend in Kansas City.........and it just isn't in the cards for me to be there......I'm sure it will be a great success! I cannot wait to see everybody when I go to KC for the holidays!

Duane fixed a most awesome dinner........the old Margie would have had seconds, but instead I now get to enjoy the feast for a 2nd time tomorrow at lunch. Love that!

I am having lunch Saturday with a couple of ladies that my daughter used to play fast-pitch softball with.............they are old married ladies with kids of their own now........haven't seen them for almost 10 years..........will be fun catching up.

The Stephen Wright show I won tickets for is Saturday night........I can so relate to his dry humor and I am really looking forward to laughing just for the heck of it.

Time for dog walking and maybe an early bedtime..........I'm pretty tired from all this transitioning...........lol

Hump Day

Well after a rough start to the day, I finally made it into the office a little before 10am....I woke up with horrendous cramps.....after taking 4 ibuprofen at 5:30am........I was still struggling through shower and getting ready processes........so I worked from home for a bit before heading downtown until the agony passed. I decided it was time to make an appt with a new "down there" doctor. Going in January.....hopefully I will survive until then? Well, really too stubborn to go before my time is up........so you will just have to endure me for a while longer.

Work was good. I got one of many nasty projects on my desk accomplished today. I can really be such a procrastinator about some things..........but have you ever realized that it is NEVER as bad once you get into a project as you had imagined........sometimes it is WORSE......but most cases, it actually turns out not to be worth all the stress you put on yourself over-thinking it before you ever get to it.

The phone was fairly quiet!! Thankfully!

Was another successful day in the eating dept. I really have to retrain myself to make something other than food be my main focus. How pathetic is that? I really need to concentrate and focus on the benefits of getting myself healthier.

This weekend, I am going to go through my closets as I said and pull out my favorites that I want to keep and wear again......but in addition, I think I shall organize them into cute outfits, tops and bottoms, etc........that should give me some serious incentive! Then perhaps I can just update the outfits with some accessories instead of thinking that I have to have all new everything.........doing the research on updating old pieces should be fun......and you know I love my fashion!

While driving home, the radio announces that the 11th caller can win tickets to a Stephen Wright performance.......you know him..........the comedian who delivers humor in a totally dead pan sort of way........well......I've never called a radio station with the intention of winning anything ......but YAY ME......I won..........so I decided to take Duane as my date since he's been a fairly good husband lately......hehe

Another good day.........Do we dare ask for another? well, yeah.........

Day 2 of the Journey

So far so good. Had a human portion of leftover spaghetti for lunch and a human sized portion of dinner.......We were out running errands, so fast food it was. Though I ordered a smaller meal than I would have normally...........so a behavior change nonetheless.

A pretty good day all in all............need to kick it into higher gear tomorrow at the office..........surviving on coffee all morning is not such a bad thing after all, especially when you have flavored international white chocolate mocha creamer on hand.

I am feeling good about the week so far........I just have to remind myself it is a day by day process and celebrate the small successes.......like the many times today I resisted eating between meals.

Have you seen Valerie Bertarelli lately? Wow,,,,,,,,,,she looks awesome at 48 and thinks she might be in the best shape of her life physically and mentally.......is it too late to feel that way at 52? I'm sure hoping not!

I am going to sort closets this weekend. Save all the pieces I really love and hope to fit again. The rest will be donated so someone else can get some use from them.

We are going to the Caribbean for vacation next month. I sure hope this is the last beach vacation I take in this condition............how cool would that be?

xxoo

Today is the first day of the rest of MY LIFE....Cliche'? I think not!

So I quit smoking in March, 2008. As much as I truly enjoyed smoking, I always said I would quit by age 50 or when it began to affect my health,,,,,,,,,whichever came first. Well I passed the age 50 marker and hated that I was still smoking……..then in late winter after passing my 50th birthday, I was afflicted with a horrible cough that went on and on………you know the kind………just as you lie down…..it kicks in and keeps you awake all night. The kind where your ribs hurt from the violent coughing…….well after having not smoked for over a week……I then decided, that I had officially quit…..good timing considering the price of a gallon of gas had skyrocketed and it was debatable whether I could afford to smoke AND drive to work. So as incentive, I went out and bought a new vehicle knowing I would never smoke in a new car…….Nor would anyone else in my car……..well that coupled with my desire to get the smoking monkey off my back, did the trick and I have not smoked again to this day….not even once…….and it has probably been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it DOES get easier.

Which leads me right into my new problem. EATING……..
At a time of my life when I find myself to be happier than I have ever been with the exception of the birth of my daughter………I find myself completely out of control with the eating…….I would like to blame it on the not smoking (and I have) or hormones or any combination of things……but I think it is mostly about something I am not even aware of. With that being the case……it makes it even more difficult to battle.

This battle is turning out to be even more of a struggle than quitting smoking was..If you can EVEN begin to believe that……….

As with most addictions……..the eating has gotten to me both physically and psychologically. Neither is a pretty picture. I often find myself with no empathy for those overweight people that use the electric carts in the grocery store, thinking this is the SOLE reason they use the carts……….well that with the laziness that occurs from not wanting to move your girth around……….is it possible that I might be a mere six months from this myself?

I am starting to think so………thus the psychological destruction of my being…........I am starting to think I have self inflicted a handicap of sorts on to myself…….my mind thinks I am young, sexy and oh so interesting to everyone, but as it turns out…….I hate myself for what I have become. Fat, not sexy and typical of the lazy American profile we seem to be slipping into.

I find myself with 3 closets of clothing all of which do not fit………Hate that………even my shoes are becoming tight…….where do you go from a size 10 shoe? Used to be that no matter what size clothing you wore…….you could always accessorize with a fabulous pair of shoes……….this is becoming an issue……..Hate that……..

Used to be a flat butt person……now I have Beyonce’s, JLO’s and some other unidentified creature all hanging out back there at one time……….Hate that…….

Other things that I now struggle with:
Clipping toenails
Tying shoes
Breathing quietly
Snoring
Shortness of breath
Exhaustion
Lack of energy
Anxiety
Mood swings
Constant hunger
Degradation of self importance and esteem
Feeling older than I am
Pain in my feet
Pain in my back
Pain in my knees
And many many more personal issues ………………you know what I mean

The biggest thing I struggle with emotionally is no longer being ME……….I find myself avoiding social situations because it is just so exhausting getting ready and trying to find something to wear that makes me feel like a human being.

So what is the cause of all this?……….being overweight…………it has affected me like smoking never did……..and I Hate that…………

So what is the solution to 99% of these issues? Taking control – so from this day forward, I will begin to take control of MY situation.

I will begin not by dieting, but by being more aware of what I am putting in my mouth. I will make every meal count and I will enjoy it. I will eat smaller portions of whatever my heart desires and I will NOT eat between meals. I will learn to drink more water and less soda and I will dig deep within myself to a place where exercise is KING………..and I will do this for myself and no one else……….SLOWLY…….as it is not a race, right?

I will share this with myself and those close to me if they ask, though I suspect no one will really notice for quite some time………..but I will celebrate every lost ounce and inch and every time I am able to fit into a garment I have outgrown……..I will celebrate with a happy dance!

I will try to faithful with this blog.......many things are going on in my life and the lives of friends.......some are positive and some are not.......but for today, and as often as I can, I will try to focus on the positive.

Thus begins the journey.